I have been unemployed for 2 1/2 years. I thought I would work as a statistician for the movie companies, watch the movies, watch people, reactions. I enjoyed the popcorn, the kids sweeping up after each movie, the comments of the people leaving, the ability to see the movies before anyone else. I enjoyed learning about the demographics of movie goers and the reactions to each trailer. I enjoyed being part of the counts that I would send in each night after the movie to the movie companies.
A single man ruined it for me, a very maniacal man who dressed up in full combat gear, armed to the teeth with guns and ammunition who shot the people I watch, shot children and families and friends in the theater I was suppose to be working in.
I had the sickest feeling, I now know it was a survivor guilt. When I go to work in theater 9, I sit in the back row of the first group of seats, the ones you sit in when the good seats in the mezzanine are full, the ones that you have to look up a little, I use the two closest to the door so I don't disturb the others when I am looking at the reactions and when I leave early. I didn't go that night because I finally got a chance to get a better job if I passed the State of Colorado Insurance Certification, so I took that weekend off so I could study. I know it was lucky that I did, but the feeling I had was relief and such sadness, a very sick sadness. I am so sorry for all the families, I am so sad that the kids in the concession stand that I see each week had to experience anything like that in their young lives. I love movies, but I now have one more place that I go that is very near to me that I cannot feel safe in again. I know safety is everyone's responsibility, but how can I be responsible for trying to be safe in this situation? I am angry that it happened, they have three to four policemen at the theater, they move through the theaters all night long. How would they know he came in and opened the door and left and returned with the resolve to kill people in theater 9? ?
I went to make some sense of it, I saw tire marks where they should not have been, tape and tv reporters like flies around a dead carcass. Photographers were everywhere. I was trying to say good bye to my job, to the kids, to the emotions. I was approached by a photographer and asked why I had the police tape, I said I really didn't know, it just seemed right at the time. I had a leaf from the tree I walk by each night I worked too. Something alive and green and something that marked death, it just seemed appropriate, and tears. Tears still come when I think about it.. it will be some time before I can talk about it without them.
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